International Magical Law Officer Lawyer
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It's Complicated
| Heterosexual
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Feb 5, 2016 18:31:12 GMT 8
Post by ALISE ANASTASIA REESE ABDEEN on Feb 5, 2016 18:31:12 GMT 8
”Just don't tell me to let go...” Old habits die hard, old love hangs on tight. She never told him to let her go that day. But she had avoided him a bit while she tried to figure thoughts out. She spent most of her time at work recently. There was little of Nate and little of Carter. How could Nate ask her for this? He was the man who broke her heart. Carter didn't do anything of the such, Carter was also set up for a strong career, where as Nate, well even if he came back to be where he once was, well his career could never necessarily be public.
It was almost the start of the new year, just three days after Christmas. She'd returned home to her parents. Carter had to stay back in London while she was in the states. She spoke with her mother and her father about her dilemma and found out more information that she had asked for. That sent her into a whirlwind of emotions. And she spent most of the time between the American Thanksgiving and the Abdeen family Christmas in New York staying at a muggle hotel and not bothering to talk to anyone. She might as well have fallen off the face of the earth for the time being. Why did she care so much about all of this? She was an Abdeen, but now she wasn't, she didn't even have Abdeen blood in her. She left Nantucket the day after Christmas and returned back in New York. She couldn't tell Carter what had happened, what she learned. That was the deciding moment, it was nothing that her parents had told her, well it was, but it was what she couldn't tell Carter. And one couldn't be in a relationship with lies. But she got back and she didn't know what to do. She went back to work and felt like the worst person in the world. The avoidance was happening again. She couldn't tell Carter what was going on, so she instead told him that she was working on a big case and had to focus upon it.
She'd left work and found herself nearby Nate's home. She told herself not to do it. But she needed to someone to talk to. She needed Nate, she needed him to tell her everything would be okay. This was what was going to change it all, wasn't it? This was the person that she could run to when she needed someone. She didn't know many people here in London, and most of her friends from school she hadn't seen in quite a while, let alone would they be able to help her with this. No, Nathanael was the only one she could count on to let her tell him without judging her. She honestly didn't remember even arriving at Nate's door before she knocked on the door of the old firehouse.
What was she doing here? How could she just find herself here? She should have been able to talk to Carter about this, but other than her own parents and herself, Nate was about the only other person on the planet that knew her secret. The secret that she wasn't sure was something she could accept of herself, let alone have other people accept of her, especially those people that she spent her time with and their mindsets in this world. Was she even okay with this? She knew Nate could help her figure it out.
Was it a bad thing that she could find herself here, needing the guidance of the boy who broke her heart instead of the man that cared for her? What did this say about her and Carter's relationship? She couldn't turn around and take it all back, even if she wanted to at that moment. She wanted everything to go back. She should have gone back and talked to Liam, talked to him about taking Lucie for Nate and left Nate out of her life. There was nothing that could keep her out of his arms once they began falling back in place together. The heart never lies, it always goes back to where it wants to be, and it led her here.
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daily prophet photographer
▲ The devil came to take me to hell but I'm already there.
Its Very Complicated
| Hetrosexual
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Feb 5, 2016 19:21:31 GMT 8
Post by NATHANAEL ANTOINE CLEMENCE on Feb 5, 2016 19:21:31 GMT 8
I remember it now, it takes me back to when it all first started But I've only got myself to blame for it, and I accept it now In the end...he had let her go. Since that day he was hardly a thought in his mind - simply because she was constantly there...yes she could hardly count as something so little and trivial as a thought. Some moments he was positive it was over, for good. Hell every time she came to drop off the pups he found himself in a panic until she showed up herself because he was positive she would just be gone...after all, Carter was going to get her in the end. No Nate did not like thinking like this but he had to - its what she deserved after all, someone who wound't stupidly cheat on her for no real reason besides trying to battle out his own numbness. Still, Nate hated it, hated Carter, hated how he vividly could recall the way her hair smelled and everything thing else. Why was he so good at creating his own personal hell?
Well at least he had something to talk about in therapy besides his want to kill his best friend - seriously it was not good how many times he had mentioned this desire to his therapist. Nate had improved in the recent months - maybe it was because he had his own personal goals now...his hopeless pursuit of actually trying to become a better man than Saint Carter. Or maybe he just wanted to keep himself busy to try and quiet the thoughts of her when she wasn't there.
But...it was December and Nate hated December. Sure, the first reasons where his own. He shouldn't have gotten drunk that night after such a big fight...a big fight over nothing truly important the less. He shouldn't have cheated even though the option was so easy. But more importantly he should have never told her that he had never loved her...Out of all the things that happened in December Nate could only keep wishing that this too could have been proven to be nothing more than an elaborate lie. Yes, he counted himself lucky that his kid sister was actually alive and mostly well, lucky that he wasn't as crazy as they tried to make him out to be - or even as crazy as they tried to make him.. But December was still a huge black cloud - a reminder of the lowest point in his life, a point that he was still trying to come back from.
He tried to take on extra work. It was actually pretty difficult, he took pictures for stories so...there wasn't much to begin with. So Nate tried to pick up his old hobby, as a hobby, at least then he would have some film and an excuse to use the dark room. That day though Nate had planned to get some shots around the town but - it was forced, he hated it. His mind was else where as so often it was these days. Camera in hand he had made his way back to his home.
When he spotted the figure at his door he wasn't sure who it could be at first, and when she came to his mind he dismissed it. He was just being hopeful. Still - maybe? When he was close enough he stopped, she'd not noticed him yet and for a moment he could ponder what she was doing there. Not that he minded but...he was no stranger to Alise's avoidance so he could guess all too well that she was making a point of keeping their space.
"Alise?" He spoke her name softly as he started to walk toward his door - and her - again. He tried not to sound too surprise, or thrilled for that matter, about her being there. After all he was sure he was still on egg shells with her at the moment. "Let me get that and you can come up..." No pups...no pups. This meant talking. Nate could already feel his heart rate kick it up a gear. Good talk or bad talk? Nate wasn't even sure. Taking out his keys Nate unlocked the door - the magical locks were hardly a challenge for, sure his wandless and non-verbal magic wasn't even close to the level of skill he had just two years ago. Opening teh door he allowed Alise in before himself.
Quickly Nate discard his shoes and jacket to the floor - though he held tight to his camera a notable tell that his anxiety was risen. But Nate was not allowing himself to get worked up, not yet, not till he knew why she was here. "So....coffee, tea? I brewed up a lovely apple cider I could warm that up if...you'd like.." Ah - yup, that came out sounded about as awkward as he looked standing there glancing up at the stairs that led to the living part of the firehouse. Well at least Alise would know he was keen to know her reasons for being there.
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International Magical Law Officer Lawyer
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It's Complicated
| Heterosexual
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Feb 5, 2016 20:48:08 GMT 8
Post by ALISE ANASTASIA REESE ABDEEN on Feb 5, 2016 20:48:08 GMT 8
Alise stood there for several moments. She shouldn't have just dropped in on him. He'd know something was up as soon as he saw that she did not have Lucie or Linus with her. She almost went to turn around and leave but then she heard her name from behind. She didn't really offer him a smile. No, she had no control over the face that she made. She'd been anxious from the moment she left his arms a few months before. This was already a stressful time for the both of them, and with everything else, that stress was clear to anyone who knew her.
She honestly couldn't say why she went in, what took her into the firehouse. But for someone who didn't honestly remember even coming to the building in the first place, her mind was definitely clouded. ”So... coffee, tea? I brewed up a lovely apple cider I could warm that up if... you'd like..” Alise's green eyes looked up at him before looking up his stairs. ”I'm... sorry, I haven't been... around. I... I.. went home for Thanksgiving and Christmas, I needed to see my parents,” she told him.
She looked back over at Nate and then at his front door.”Actually... could you... warm up the apple cider, and could we take a walk, I would honestly prefer not to talk here right now,” she said. She liked to walk when she was frustrated. She hated sitting still. He hated her pacing, so a walk would be much better.
How was she supposed to even start? How was she supposed to tell him some of her most inner feelings? How was her mind supposed to stop racing? And what was she going to do about Carter? Alise wasn't built for this, but something about being in a relationship with Nate once upon a time told her that she did have it in her.
She hated asking him to go back outside with her, especially after he had just taken off his shoes and jacket and while that he was also notably anxious in the same way she had been. She felt though that he may realize her need for not wanting to stay here by her reluctance to take off her own jacket. She was bundled and was ready to go back outside. ”I know you hate it when I can't keep still and to be honest I won't be able to keep still,” she gave him a small smile but it was strained and a natural reaction on her part. She could feel the fight or flight instinct that creatures naturally came by. And she needed to be somewhere that could be contained. She couldn't be trapped in his home. She needed to have the escape route. She still had no idea what possessed her to be here right now, what made her want to, no, need to talk to him.
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daily prophet photographer
▲ The devil came to take me to hell but I'm already there.
Its Very Complicated
| Hetrosexual
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Feb 5, 2016 21:04:07 GMT 8
Post by NATHANAEL ANTOINE CLEMENCE on Feb 5, 2016 21:04:07 GMT 8
I remember it now, it takes me back to when it all first started But I've only got myself to blame for it, and I accept it now Chewing at the inside of his cheek Nate looked to her. Ne nodded when she mentioned going home for the holidays. "Well, you Abdeen's sure do now how to make a holiday spread - even if Thanksgiving is very strange to have in November." Nate couldn't help the small smile that crept to his lips. Yes Thanksgiving, the one holiday they never had to argue about who spent where since they both had their own dates - Canadian and American. Canadian Thanksgiving was obviously the better of the thanksgivings anyways. Mr and Mrs Abdeen had never been to keen on him. He couldn't truly fault them, when they had first meet he was wearing more eyeliner than their daughter, and of course there was countless times he was caught saying and doing things pureblood boys didn't do (Mr. Abdeen had given him a number of stern talks for countless reasons, seriously Nate had lost count after the 17th one). But Nate knew how close Alise was with her parents. "I hope it was nice, being home. I'm sure Daniel and Reese were happy you were there..." Yes they always were so happy to see their daughter, of course Nate guess that might have been because when he was there with her at least they knew they could keep an eye on him and their daughter.
"Oh of course, I mean you always have loved my cider so um, let me just - uh, give me a few, quick warming spell will do the trick and - yeah I'll be, right back." Nate hoped he did not seem too keen to run up his stairs because that's exactly what he did. It was a wonder he didn't slip. He took his time though, not that he drew it out but he didn't act all too rushed either as he searched for a thermos. He grabbed the largest not sure just what he was headed of. A walk? Something was really eating at her, these were normally the things he avoided if he could. It meant being mature - and that was never easy and usually it meant something bad. He placed the thermos on the counter and moved the fridge. He needed to stop working himself up, it was only going to make this worse. Removing one of the jugs of cider Nate filled the other container before returning the jug to one of the cooled shelves.
Normally a wave of his hand and he could boil any drink but - well no point in taking a risk with a mind as wild as his right now. It took a quick search around the living room - he actually called down to Alise that it would be a moment more because he was struggling to find his wand...nothing new in the world of Nate, he'd always been a show off of his wandless talent that it was a wonder he hadn't had to buy wands because of his misplacement. Finding it stuffed in the couch Nate hurried to get back on track with what he said he was doing.
Thermos on hand he took his stairs in two and shuffled back into his shoes. He shook his jacket messily onto his arms and shifted the thermos container from one hand to the next as he wiggled his arms into the sleeves. "Sorry, you know how I am - I...." Nate paused. Maybe....maybe this wasn't about him, or them...maybe this was something else. His blue eyes looked at her - really really looked at her. "Let's take the walk, you can tell me if your great Aunt did anything humiliating at this years thanksgiving..." Nate offered a small reassuring smile, okay...maybe being an adult wasn't as hard as he liked to think it was...maybe he just didn't like having to do it unless he knew there was a good reason. She was a good reason.
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International Magical Law Officer Lawyer
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It's Complicated
| Heterosexual
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Feb 23, 2016 13:55:51 GMT 8
Post by ALISE ANASTASIA REESE ABDEEN on Feb 23, 2016 13:55:51 GMT 8
It had been no secret, Alise's parents were not the biggest fans of Nate, but even Carter who held himself as a better pureblood than Nate ever had wasn't particularly in their good graces either. Daniel was over protective of his daughter and Reese was about the same. Nate mentioned the holiday spread that her family made, it was always fantastic, and of course he had to mention that the American Thanksgiving was in November. He always had the habit of speaking the differences between Americans and Canadians. It'd been something that had always been there in his relationship.
And there it was, the talk of her mother and father. ”It was nice, at least until well after dinner was over,” she spoke softly. That was the end of that though, he could know more later, when they weren't closed up tight in his house. ”Mom and Dad were quite happy to see me home, though there were questions of where Carter was, he did have to work to be fair,” she told him softly. She had work to do as well but she just ensured that she would keep track of it and make her case while she'd been home.
She waited patiently for him to come back from getting the cider. She could hear him moving around the kitchen to retrieve a container of his cider. He knew how to make it well. He always had done it just right. And he was right, she loved it. Always kept her warm when she was chilled to the bone. She was glad though that he was happy to come with her for a walk despite her believing that he knew there was a lot racing through her mind. He was the only one that she could talk to right now and she needed to talk to him right now.
Soon he was back down stairs and put his jacket one. ”Sorry, you know how I am – I...” ”You've never liked it when I pace, when I am unable to keep still, but it's okay, I'd much rather be outside right now to be honest,” she told him. Her eyes caught his when he looked at her before he spoke about taking the walk. ”Aunt Marie did not attend this years Thanksgiving, she's been under the weather just after everything happened between us, traveling hasn't been any good for her,” she told him with a small smile. She opened his front door and took a step out back into the chill.
” Thank you, I just don't know if I can talk to anyone else about this,” she said once the door closed behind them. She rewrapped the long grey scarf around her neck and pulled it tight as she felt the chill hit her skin. Her eyes scanned down to the ground. She did a good job hiding things on the inside when she needed to but when she was upset or especially had things racing through her mind there were tell-tale signs that she had something going on.
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daily prophet photographer
▲ The devil came to take me to hell but I'm already there.
Its Very Complicated
| Hetrosexual
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Jul 28, 2016 16:06:02 GMT 8
Post by NATHANAEL ANTOINE CLEMENCE on Jul 28, 2016 16:06:02 GMT 8
I remember it now, it takes me back to when it all first started But I've only got myself to blame for it, and I accept it now So this wasn't about them? She wouldn't come to him for advice on how to deal with himself, no she had plenty of other people for that. Nate found himself relaxing a little. Maybe he felt a little disappointed as he pieced together this had more to do with what had happened on her holiday rather than her stressing over them - it was that selfish bit of him that wanted her thoughts to mirror his. He'd have to keep working on no thinking like that.
"That's a shame about Aunt Marie...perhaps I'll send a gift basket to her - for well wishes..." Nate looked away as he made the suggestion. After how long the two of them had been dating the old woman seemed like distant family to him...but was that crossing a line? He hoped not. Looking up Nate watched as Alise opened the door and met the cold, he quickly followed turning the collar of his jacket up after locking up his house once more.
There was an urge to off his hand to her. Well no, it was more the urge to just take her hand and lead her off - back like they used to always do with each other. She was the only one who he let drag him around. How many cities had they gone to and ventured down the streets together? Stop. Stop it. This wasn't the time or place to be thinking about any of those things. He half tried to offer his arm but decided against it and did his best to play it off as him shoving his free hand into his pants pocket. Yup. Exactly what he had been doing in the first place, was clearly NOT trying to offer her his arm like some sort of gentlemen that everyone knew he was not.
"Let's head down this way, there's a park that's a bit quieter...nicer view, not that we need a nice view but...always a good selling point..." Could he die now? Just drop dead in the sidewalk. Nope. Damn. "We'll then, this way, we can just admire the walk and when ever you want....you can tell me what's on your mind." Nate offered up a reassuring smile before carrying on down the way. It wasn't a terribly long walk to the park and he wasn't sure she'd even manage a real word of conversation till they actually got there...after all - had she really expected him to answer in the first place to have this talk? He figured no. Which meant now the poor girl was going to have to figure out how to say what she wanted to say. He never could wrap his mind around her's, it was a puzzle to him, but he liked that - a lot. She could take her time with him, she always could.
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International Magical Law Officer Lawyer
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It's Complicated
| Heterosexual
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Oct 23, 2016 18:18:28 GMT 8
Post by ALISE ANASTASIA REESE ABDEEN on Oct 23, 2016 18:18:28 GMT 8
”That's a shame about Aunt Marie... perhaps I'll send a gift basket to her – for well wishes...” Alise gave him a small smile. ”I'm sure she will be fine soon enough,” she told him. It felt strange to take a walk with Nate now. She'd not taken one with him in a couple years. This was their thing, when they were together at least. She had tucked her hands back into the gloves that she'd worn originally as they began to walk down the sidewalk.
”Let's head down this way, there's a park that's a bit quieter... nicer view, not that we neede a nice view but... always a good selling point...” Alise smiled and giggled a bit when he said that. ”The park sounds nice Nate,” she told him. ”Well then, this way, we can just admire the walk and whenever you want... you can tell me what's on your mind.” This was why she'd been with Nate in the first place. She knew that she could take her time, get to the point where she would be okay to talk to him about what was actually on her mind.
They began to walk towards the park. Her eyes scanned the sidewalk as they walked along. Her mind still raced, it had raced from the moment she had spoken to her parents. ”I know my parents aren't the biggest fan of you...” she started. No, that wasn't going to work. But there it was, it was out there. Now the conversation was most definitely about her parents. ”I don't know if they were never going to tell me, but I talked to them about certain feelings I was having, I found out much more than I'd... well than I'd ever wanted to know,” she said softly. ”I didn't actually spend the majority of my time back home, at home... I had to change in my money to no-maj money, I ended up spending a small fortune at a hotel in New York City. I only went to my parents on the actual holidays,” she said softly. ”I just can't believe that they wouldn't have told me sooner, Dad didn't even seemed bothered by the fact...” she lifted her head up but looked the opposite from where Nate was looking at everything that wasn't another person.
”Nate... I can't tell Carter this... I don't even think he'll be able to accept it. Mom... well she apparently cheated on Dad before I was born... I'm not an Abdeen...” she said tears coming to her eyes. Alise was a daddy's girl. She loved her mother but she'd always been her father's daughter. She looked up to Daniel as much as she possibly could. Daniel had been her hero. Almost as though they took a careful path the tears fell down her cheek. ”Mom... she couldn't have even found a pureblooded wizard to do this with. My life, it's been a lie. I've thought myself something I've never been, should I care, probably not, but... no.... no Carter won't be okay with this, Nate... I've never felt so lost in my life,” she told him finally looking up at his face. She'd not bothered to wipe her tears away. She let them slide down to her chin and fall to the ground.
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daily prophet photographer
▲ The devil came to take me to hell but I'm already there.
Its Very Complicated
| Hetrosexual
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Oct 23, 2016 19:01:06 GMT 8
Post by NATHANAEL ANTOINE CLEMENCE on Oct 23, 2016 19:01:06 GMT 8
I remember it now, it takes me back to when it all first started But I've only got myself to blame for it, and I accept it now It was hard to keep his lips from parting into a goofy sort of grin when she said how her parents were not his biggest fans, so he didn't try and stop it, he just grinned. Of course his first thought was this was definitely about him - but the focus was more on her parents as she went on. Nate had to try and process what she was saying but - what was she even trying to get at? Alise had always seemed so articulate to Nate and yet here she was babbling in a manner that most related to him. He wanted to focus on those feelings she had tried to discuss with them - good feelings? Them feelings? Cater feelings? But It was becoming clearer with each word she spoke there was a matter much, much bigger. Nate's gaze had slowly become focused on her, with the glances to keep from tripping over his own feet; but he couldn't look away - this was, confusing.
Still Nate refrained from blurting out a rather inappropriate 'just spit it out' or some similar turn of phrase. There was a stress building up as Alise went on - just what had they hid her whole life? It was almost strange keeping quite and letting her work though her words. It felt like a life time since they could talk like this - since he felt like she actually trusted him. I can't tell Carter this. It took him back to hear these words. What could she possibly trust him with more than the man who treated her well whom she...loved so much? "Okay, so you're not an Abdeen, how bad can it be? Lots of purebloods step out of their marriages, I mean..." Nate trailed off, he knew how much Alise loved Daniel, idolized him. Blood didn't have to make a father though. It was pathetic he knew she was crying and she wasn't even looking at him. No, her crying wasn't pathetic - but the fact that he could hear it, he knew that small crack in her strong voice - sure she masked it well but he had made her cry more times than anyone should have and some things break your heart in a way its impossible to forget. He'd not said much, this was a bit to process now wasn't it?
Their steps had stopped by now, they stood like trees decorating the side walk but Nate hardly was thinking about where they were - or even the fact that they had been on a 'walk'. He wanted to turn her around as the words spilled out. It was strange how with everything she said his first thoughts didn't linger on her purity. When she finally faced him with her tear streaked face his hands quickly found her rosy cheeks and he carefully wiped both her tears and their paths away with his thumbs. He didn't hold her face tight but he couldn't just let her go. His blue eyes where fixed upon her, his face - mixed. He moved closer and pressed a soft kiss atop her forehead. Who knew that pretty little pureblood he fell in love with wasn't so pure - and yet, he still loved her just the same didn't he.
Dropping her face from his hands he wrapped his arms around Alise and pulled her softly to his chest. "Tell him, don't tell him....its your choice Alise, but....if he loves you - and I mean...he does, I know he does - you're still Alise. Your real dad could be a no-maj at this point and I'd still - Carter would still love you. Its not because your some pretentious pureblood babe, you're amazing, you're thoughtful, you're kind, you're beautiful, you're confident - women like you aren't the sort of women you can just stop loving over something so silly as paternity....even if it means somewhere out there you got some muggle relatives....unless you plan on inviting them over for a holiday, that - that might be a deal break for him though."
Of course Nate tried to make a joke - it was that reflex he always got when things got serious. Meanwhile he was trying to wrap his head around it as well. She really wasn't an Abdeen by blood? Her parents managed to keep that covered up for all these years? It was strange because deep down he knew that he was raised to be bothered by this, that he should have been upset and perhaps a little disgusted that he had invest so much time with someone with mixed blood. There was too much though, too much they had shared. "We really ought to know by now that blood has nothing to do with love...."
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International Magical Law Officer Lawyer
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It's Complicated
| Heterosexual
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Oct 24, 2016 16:51:49 GMT 8
Post by ALISE ANASTASIA REESE ABDEEN on Oct 24, 2016 16:51:49 GMT 8
The babbling was not normally Alise. She knew how to clearly state her thoughts, but she hadn't felt so overwhelmed in a long time. She was glad that she had Nate here as the person she could have the break down upon. Nate knew her so well, it was comforting to have him here. ”Okay, so you're not an Abdeen, how bad can it be? Lots of purebloods step out of their marriages, I mean...” It was true, especially of those who didn't marry for love. Her mother and father did love each other though. How could it have been so easy for her father to just accept that her mother had stepped out of their marriage. ”Most children also know when they've been part of such,” she told Nate.
Alise was never raised to necessarily hate any tainted blood. Her parents had never raised her to hate. She didn't hate it. She just didn't understand why she was something completely different than she'd been raised. Sure she was still the person she'd always been but there were other issues. Issues that Nate would come to try to address.
They'd stop walking and Nate had taken her face into his hands as he wiped the falling tears away. A small kiss was placed onto her forehead before her head was dropped and came to rest on his chest. ”Tell him, don't tell him... it's your choice Alise, but... if he loves you – and I mean... he does, I know he does – you're still Alise. Your real dad could be a no-maj at this point and I'd still – Carter would still love you. It's not because you're some pretentious pureblood babe, you're amazing, you're thoughtful, you're kind, you're beautiful, you're confident – women like you aren't the sort of women you can just stop loving over something so silly as paternity... even if it means somewhere out there you go some muggle relatives... unless you plan on inviting them over for a holiday, that – that might be a deal break for him though.” Alise looked up at him keeping her head buried in his chest. ”This is coming from the man who was raised to hate no-majs. Nate, you've loved me for years, even if we've had our ups and downs. Carter's known me for only two. He was raised the same, and his family still expects pureblood heirs. I love him, I do, but I don't think he would be able to do it.”
Nate proceeded to add that they should have known that blood didn't have anything to do with love. It was true. So much they had been through over time. They knew that blood didn't matter. ”I don't think it's as much me finding that I'm a halfblood as it is for me finding out now that I'm a halfblood. No, Carter won't be okay with this. I think all I can do is move on. I can't lie to him, I can't do what my parents did to me for so long,” she told Nate softly. She closed her eyes trying to prevent anymore tears from falling and she held Nate close. She missed these moments, and while this was tempting right now, she just didn't know what to do. ”I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything, I shouldn't have put this on you. But I know I can trust you with this,” she told him.
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daily prophet photographer
▲ The devil came to take me to hell but I'm already there.
Its Very Complicated
| Hetrosexual
|
Oct 24, 2016 19:10:51 GMT 8
Post by NATHANAEL ANTOINE CLEMENCE on Oct 24, 2016 19:10:51 GMT 8
I remember it now, it takes me back to when it all first started But I've only got myself to blame for it, and I accept it now It was hard to hear. It was never going to be hard to hear. She loved Carter. In the end, this still had to do with Carter. Sometimes it was hard to remember that they were not just ex's, they were best friends - even though it was hard to be as close as they had once been. He opened and closed his mouth a few times trying to figure out what was the right thing to say. There were millions of words swarming his head but nothing seemed right. So for a moment he just held her tighter and tried to play the role she so often played. The problem solver.
He'd been raised in a family that practiced arranged marriage, a family that literally auctioned off their daughter's hand and womb to the highest bidding family. But he had always fought against that didn't he? Nate had hated what was expected of his sister. He worked hard on getting his betrothed to opt out of their own marriage (though it was his mental state after Le Tourneau nearly killed him that voided his contract) - sure he always said he wanted out for himself but there was a point when it was for Alise that he wanted out. He wanted the choice to marry for love.
"If he is just with you so that you can bare him some pureblood heir....." Nate stopped. That wasn't how he ought to say this, "Look...its not easy for me to try and talk up a guy you know I hate, and envy...and would love to see disappear - but...I'm telling you...if....guh, okay I can say it, if...." Could he say it? Could he really find a way to express his words that would not make her completely regret opening up about this to him?
It was horrible but part of him was starting to understand a sliver of the hell he had put her through every time he had picked another girl over her. Sure, his reasons where different but neither of them were actually aiming to hurt the other (of course, he was the one who was wrong in the end though). "Its really, really hard not to just tell you to come back to me.....I'm not saying that - I just...I just don't know how else to express how silly it is....you are the most amazing witch in the world...I never wanted to marry that girl my parents had arranged for me, I think after I meet you I was fighting even hard to get rid of that stupid contract - but you....I threw that all away, the life I wanted to build with you - I never stopped wanting that future though...and sure it seemed like a joke when I told you those few times that I was going to marry you one day but - I'm getting off my point - which is...you're parents are stupid."
"And Carter is even stupider than me if he can't fucking handle that you're a halfie, he honestly does not deserve you if that's what you really think. And after years of me, you shouldn't settle for someone who can't accept you for everything about you, good or bad....you remember how scared I was to tell you about me - about what I was raised to do? You didn't ruin us, I did, you accepted me - dark side and all....you deserve someone that can do that for you...so if you honestly, truly, think that this will change how he sees you...well, you're too good to give him an heir than. Actually no, fuck the whole heir thing, their children - kids that ought to be allowed to be kids, not pawns in their parents game of social standing."
Okay so...maybe they ought to have staid in the house or actually gone to the park before they had this conversation but the sidewalk remind empty - thank goodness for cold weather and holiday recovery. "Stop it, stop apologizing, you've got nothing to be sorry about - you're, you're my best friend - except maybe Liam but he's still dead to me for marrying my sister so...don't be sorry, because you're right, you can trust me and I'd be an even shittier person if I tried to take that from you too." Nate held her tighter than before, his body shivering a bit except it wasn't from the cold it was from the restraint of holding back every urge to try and take advantage of this situation, to try and make a complete fool of himself. How he wanted to kiss her and tell her over and over how he obvious was the choice for her if she had this much doubt in her current lover, kiss her and remind her just how hot their fire burned together. No, that wasn't the way to respond to this.
Easy up on his hold of her he slipped an arm away, though he kept his other hand in the small of her back. "Look, lets continue to the park, drink this lovely cider and...we'll talk about whatever you want to, or need to...we'll figure this out, you don't have to go through this alone." Nate reached down with his free hand to the ground to pick of the thermos that he had carelessly dropped when he felt the need to comfort Alise physically. His other hand lightly rubbed the small of her back through her coat reassuringly before he slipped it up to a more appropriate area around her shoulders but he waited to start walking again - he would wait for her to appear ready to continue on.
I think all I can do is move on Her words were echoing in his head, had she told him that and only that he would have been rejoicing. Sure his heart was still racing and had been for this entire conversation, same went for his mind, hell even his body was having mini tremors from this sort of 'excitement' or perhaps 'nerves'. It felt wrong to have fought on Cater's behalf, but was it really in favor of the man? Well it was as in favor as Nate would ever be about him so it counted to the young man. He could see the hurt all this was causing Alise though, it would have been wrong to have encouraged her thoughts in such a negative way. So, was this was almost dying and being insane for over a year did to a man. It mad him fool that wouldn't take a present that was hand wrapped and delivered in front of him.
"I still hate him...and I promise you...I'll hate him all the more if he is actually bothered about your blood...you're not a girl someone just gets over though - you really are something special." Nate couldn't really look at her when he said it. This was difficult, and for reasons he'd never really expected - if anything he ought to have been just as bothered as she assumed Carter would be. Yet here he was, still trying to win her back - the right way. So why did he still have this fear he was going to still lose her in the end?
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International Magical Law Officer Lawyer
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It's Complicated
| Heterosexual
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Dec 14, 2016 19:56:20 GMT 8
Post by ALISE ANASTASIA REESE ABDEEN on Dec 14, 2016 19:56:20 GMT 8
Alise had never heard words like such come from Nate. She'd never been so comforted by him. She'd always felt safe with Nate, even if her emotions weren't always such. He took her normal role in this situation, he was trying to help her, solve the problem. His words comforted her.
”It's really, really hard not to just tell you to come back to me...” She closed her eyes against his chest. Maybe he should have just told her to come back to him. Carter was a good guy but Nate was the person who made her have passion. She knew what being with Nate meant though, she wasn't sure if she was quite ready to risk it with him. He'd continue to talk about her, telling her that she was an amazing witch, that he did once want to build a life with her. The compliments made her blush a bit.
”You're parents are stupid. And Carter is even stupider than me if he can't fucking handle that you're a halfie.” Alise looked up at him. She let him finish what he was saying. He continued on to explain that she shouldn't settle for someone who couldn't accept her for who she was. He talked to her about how she had been accepting of who he had been with everything that he'd been involved in. She nodded. A small sniff came from her as she tried to stop her tears. ”Nathanael, it's not like here, halfbloods are not common in our world, I mean less than a hundred years ago it was still illegal for no-maj's, witches and wizards to even date. Maybe I shouldn't think about it, but I can't help it that it hurts to have been lied to, to have believed something of myself than rather what I was,” she said softly. Her voice was still strained, clearly from the stress but also the crying.
Nate had held her close to him. She felt comfort in his arms. She felt comfort in his words. He told her that she needed to stop apologizing for nothing. He told her that she was his best friend and essentially that she should be able to talk to him. That she could trust him. Then one of his arms dropped from his grip. ”Look, lets continue to the park, drink this lovely cider and... we'll talk about whatever you want to, or need to... we'll figure this out, you don't have to go through this alone.” She felt him move down towards the thermos that had fallen and pick it up. His hand had gently rubbed the small of her back.
Once they began to walk again she leaned her head against him. She knew she could count on him to at least make her feel better. She'd not been there for him as much as she felt she should have been during the events after their breakup. She had made him go through so much alone, but then when she had been there it had only seemed to make him worse, seemed to only make him more upset.
To be honest Alise was shocked that Nate had just stood there and spoke on Carter's behalf. It had never been a secret that Nate hated Carter, so it was odd that she had just listened to Nate tell her that Carter wouldn't mind. ”I still hate him... and I promise you... I'll hate him all the more if he is actually bothered about your blood... you're not a girl someone just gets over though – you really are something special.” Alise's eyes scanned up to Nate, well more of Nate's chin. She was pretty sure that was one of the nicest things that she'd heard in a while from Nate. A small sigh came from her lips. ”I just don't think that he will be okay with it, Nate, you two are very different men, yet raised in very similar ways, you're ability to love me for who I am is very different than his,” she told him. She reached over and took the thermos from Nate and unscrewed the cap to drink the warm cider. ”You've always made the best cider,” she told him with a smile and offered it to him before she would screw the lid back on.
”Nate, I'm glad that you and I are still friends, I don't know what I could do without you in my life,” she said softly. She really appreciated him helping to relax her.
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daily prophet photographer
▲ The devil came to take me to hell but I'm already there.
Its Very Complicated
| Hetrosexual
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Dec 14, 2016 20:34:41 GMT 8
Post by NATHANAEL ANTOINE CLEMENCE on Dec 14, 2016 20:34:41 GMT 8
I remember it now, it takes me back to when it all first started But I've only got myself to blame for it, and I accept it now Nate let her speak her mind. She was right, he understood that American wizards still had old mind sets, was it a wonder he came from the sort of family he came from? Still, she needed to get it all out. There was a frown on his face that expressed he understood the underlying reason of her hurt, the lying. Yes, it always seemed to be the lies in the end. His, her parents, who else? It was a wonder she had any trust left in her at all. He just wanted to gather her in his arms and never let go. What he wouldn't give to change the way he treated her, to take back the lies - no one deserved so much pain when all the ever deserved was the truth.
As they walked and she leaned her head to his chest he naturally moved closer and held her tighter. There was an instant spike in his heart rate. It was dangerous to be so tempted, his nature could only be denied so long. He was never going to be able to be the friend that didn't constantly want to flirt with her, kiss her, love her...being her friend at arms length was fairly easy but this - he was far too emotionally involved and still mentally unstable.
'I just don't think that he will be okay with it, Nate, you two are very different men, yet raised in very similar ways, you're ability to love me for who I am is very different than his' Her words made him slow to stop and look at her. All this time he was fighting for the man she was with, the man he had hated since he realized she was moving on for real - he wasn't just some pretty face for payback. But maybe he ought to have listened more to her words. He wondered his as she slipped the cider away and took her drink, his eyes glued to her as he tried to figured out what he should say - what he needed to say? No doubt he seemed a little perplexed or lost in thought.
Still when she offered him the drink he took it with a small smile and sipped it as she offered him a compliment. If only he could focus on actually trying to carry on about cider instead of this urge to put his foot in his mouth and ruin everything. Carefully he passed the thermos back to Alise and did his best to gather his words, she had sent his mind running a mile a minute. There was so much he wanted to say but knew he shouldn't and things he just felt unsure he could actually bring himself to say. Things just couldn't be easy for them, could they?
"Alise....do you even want Carter to be okay with this?...You keep saying it, and..." He trailed off. How could he even say any of this, he had no right, no place, anything. But here he was, choosing to keep his mouth shut and stay out of a matter he didn't exactly belong any deeper in. "You're my best friend and...I really do want you to be happy but...-" He wanted to say he didn't think Cater actually made her happy - how could he say this though, had he ever actually made her happy - compared to how sad he had made her? "I wan't to be your friend, your best friend, I want to be someone you can trust Alise but - I can never not love you...and I mean you, who you are not what you are, but....I'm not sure that makes me a good friend, at all, I think it makes me a terrible one because - you know how selfish I am Alise, and maybe right now this is me trying to be selfish and trying to hear what I want but....is it really just your blood that worries you about a future with Carter?" Or was there so much more she worried about when it came to the future and what she wanted out her love?
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International Magical Law Officer Lawyer
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It's Complicated
| Heterosexual
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Dec 26, 2016 20:00:23 GMT 8
Post by ALISE ANASTASIA REESE ABDEEN on Dec 26, 2016 20:00:23 GMT 8
It seemed that Alise had been lied to so often in her life that she really hadn't ever taken the time to process it when she was lied to. To be honest she was probably hardened to the fact that lies came from different directions for her. Did she honestly never feel the pain of lying? No, she did feel it, most of the time it was something that she could just rub off her shoulder and be done with it. This lie though, this one was big, and it was about her. That made it all the harder.
Alise felt his grip hold her closer as she had leaned on him. Was that his heart beating a bit faster? Through all the bad with Nate, this was comfortable. This felt normal. She had told him that she didn't believe that he would be okay with it and it took him a moment but he came to a stop in their walk. She pulled off of him and he looked at her as she looked at him. She wasn't sure what he was thinking of. She wasn't sure why he was so quiet at the thought especially with her also speaking of the cider.
”Alise... do you even want Carter to be okay with this?... You keep saying it, and...” Alise looked back in his eyes but then turned away. Did she want Carter to be okay with it? To be honest she wasn't sure. She didn't know what to expect with Carter before him Nate was all she knew. Carter was a good man, yes, but she constantly waited for the other shoe to drop with him. She knew what to expect with Nate. ”You're my best friend and... I really do want you to be happy but...” Alise's thoughts drew back to the days when they were in school as he said that. They'd been best friends since Ilvermorny, even if they had a rocky romantic relationship there was no doubt that the two still loved each other very much.
Alise thought back to the day she received the letter from Nate to meet him in the clock tower just a quarter past midnight. She remembered sneaking out of her bed to make it there in time. He promised her that after that night she could go back to ignoring him. She remembered the intrigued feeling that she got that night. The boy who had flirted his way with her and the boy that she continued to ignore. Something about this letter had made her not want to ignore any longer.
She thought back to the days when they would travel on a whim and spend numerous of on the spot moments together. Her thoughts had also drawn to the several times where he would do things and she would get mad at him, spend a weekend at her parents to only go back to him until the day that made it done for good. Some days, she'd never told Nate, but she wondered if she had made the right decision. Maybe she just needed to live a while without him before she could do anything more with Nate. Maybe she needed to see what else was out in the world. Her thoughts went to that day, alcohol was involved he'd taken with a girl that meant nothing. It was the final straw. Was she really supposed to go back with him after that? Her mind went back to the hour that she gave him, when she went to talk to him. She'd been hurt so very much by him and she had to stop, she had to end it there. He'd told her that he never loved her anyways.
”I want to be your friend, your best friend, I want to be someone you can trust Alise but – I can never not love you... and I mean you, who you are, not what you are, but... I'm not sure that makes me a good friend, at all, I think it makes me a terrible one because – you know how selfish I am Alise, and maybe right now this me trying to be selfish and trying to hear what I want but... is it really just your blood that worries you about a future with Carter?” Alise looked away from him. What was it really? Was Nate right at the moment? Did she have more worries than just her blood with Carter? She knew Nate's mistakes, but Carter hadn't had any while they were together, so while she waited for the other shoe to drop she couldn't expect it, she could see what it could possibly be. At least Nate had always been predictable.
”I don't know, Nate.” she spoke after what seemed like an eternity. ”You've been my best friend since we were nearly sixteen, even through our ups and downs. I want to be happy, but with Carter, I'm bored, but I also wait for the other shoe to drop with him,” she told him, ”I'm not sure what to expect when things turn bad.” She looked back away from him. ”I feel like I may just not be ready to settle yet, maybe this is what caused me to be shaken with everything,” she told him. Since Alise started dating she hadn't ever been out of a relationship except for the short time between Nate and her breakup and the time she started dating Carter. And she only had ever had two outlooks of relationships that she'd personally experienced, Nate and Carter.
Alise felt the tears come back to her eyes. She quickly reached up to wipe them away, to prevent them from falling down her face. ”I've always known what I want, but Nate, when it comes to Carter, I don't know, I have no idea with any of it. I don't like the unknown, you know that,” she told him, ”I like knowing what I get myself into.” She turned back to him, ”you don't deserve this, not with everything you're already going through, it's not fair of me, I'm sorry, maybe I should talk to someone else about this, figure it out with someone else.”
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daily prophet photographer
▲ The devil came to take me to hell but I'm already there.
Its Very Complicated
| Hetrosexual
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Dec 26, 2016 21:51:08 GMT 8
Post by NATHANAEL ANTOINE CLEMENCE on Dec 26, 2016 21:51:08 GMT 8
I remember it now, it takes me back to when it all first started But I've only got myself to blame for it, and I accept it now Nate understood what it was to be involved with someone who made him feel bored, although in his case he tended to use those sorts of involvements for a mere moments passing. Nate had rarely dated, actually dated. There had been a girl before Alise, jaded for similar reasons that Alise too would become bitter towards their romance. Still there had to be more to a girl for him to actually want something more than a few hours or a night of fun with. For Alise though it was as if she had actually sought out the boring, someone who was exactly nothing like himself - someone who wouldn't make the same sort of relationship ending mistakes.
Yet, he was all she knew. A cheater, a liar, a manipulator. He had broken her and she knew it. There was a pain that was hard to explain as she expressed her boredom with Cater and how she still waited for something to go wrong. He had done this to her, made her this person who struggled to trust the one who they gave their heart to - but did she even trust enough to actually give her heart to carter? Nate would guess not, no because he knew Alise still loved him just as he still deeply loved her and she would never be able to give another man her love if she still loved him.
Love could feel meaningless with out trust though. Broken and rotten it hardly seems like love when it becomes so damaged, at least that't what Nate imagined. His love wasn't battered like her's, the damage self inflicted - mostly, in the ways that mattered most.
He wanted to tell her to be honest, to admit it. She didn't want to be happy with Cater, how much longer was she going to deny there was still so much left between them? It wasn't just him and his insanity that was leading to him thinking there was more laying in her words than she would admit. The feelings where there, the love was there, the fear was there. Together they had always felt so much they burned brightly together and for one another. Love like theirs was once in a life time, irreplaceable. But he had broken her and even she realized this, maybe just in her own way but she knew there was damage done.
Nate was quick to put his hands on her shoulders and turn her back to face him, there was a panic that he didn't even bother to hide, she couldn't keep leaving like this - in the heat of their emotions, that's how they always ended things, always - and this was where it had gotten them. A side walk desperately trying to run while holding tightly to that red string that they both so desperately were trying to hold onto. "Stop it, please, stop apologizing to me for feeling. Don't apologize for trying to actually get me involved in those feelings - just stop okay, because - because, maybe if we'd talked....more, maybe things would have been different, but I started pushing you away I stopped listening and I'm not doing that to you again, I'm not forgetting that there's more to us than...I'm not forgetting that I am first and foremost your friend, not again."
He moved his hand and pressed two fingers to her lips as if shushing her momentarily. Okay so his statement was not contradicting as he had just told her he was pretty sure he was the worst friend possible. It was true though, but that didn't mean he wasn't her friend...he just obviously was never going to be satisfied at being just her best friend, ever. People like them couldn't just be friends, shouldn't just be friends - but they would get back there...eventually, some how - they had to, right?
He was getting a little occupied finding her green eyes with his blue, there was so much question and confusion in his eyes as he tried to piece his words together as if their future depended upon it - well technically it did, didn't it? This was a defining moment, maybe he was an idiot in so many ways but even he could feel the importance in the air between them. He couldn't help but keep himself close to her as if any space between them would mean she would flee leaving him alone once more. He didn't know if he could actually take her leaving again this time.
"Please....you came here, you came to me...." Nate closed his eyes and let his head cast down towards the ground as he took a deep breath and sighed before taking a deep breath to hold in. His words were starting to feel heavy on his tongue, so much rested upon what he said it was terrifying. And he had thought his heart had been racing before? He was positive it was going to start pounding out of his chest any moment. "Please don't leave, not again, not this time - we always run Alise, we always run when it starts to get hard and its probably I fault....I mean it is my fault, which is why I should just let you go but its always why I can't...I just..." opening his eyes he looked back at her, she was so close her shoulders still under his hands. His grip was shaky, he wasn't entirely sure when it had happened but his nerves were clear as day. He was terrified the moment he let go she would flee, did she see that fear plain in his eyes? It wasn't the first time he'd looked at her like this though, but was it a look she understood?
"I'm not even sure what I ought to say right now - every time I see you these days I'm never sure if its going to be the last time you know. Not that I even deserve you in my life, I have no say in your coming and going and that fine - I'm just your friend after all so its not like, I mean that's just how it is. But...everything is different now, we aren't sixteen and its not as simple as sending an apology note with some stupid book with big words I don't understand but you go nutty for....life got complicated and....do you know how terrified I am that each time you leave in a hurry with your reason why you shouldn't be around me, do you realize just how scared I am that each time is going to be the last? And than, as I'm starting to feel confident that my fears are true you show up and I forget just how shitty this world seems when I have to face it thinking you aren't going to be a part of my life because you've out grown that scum that is me...but when you feel alone, you come to me - its just...I...please just don't go, not yet, not like this."
He wasn't the begging sorting, nor was he ever really the open book and open feeling sort. Life had changed him though, it was more and more apparent these days that Nate had definitely changed because of the incident and the trials he endured during the year that followed. He still held her shoulders though his hands still trembled lightly with nerves. Of course he was fighting the thoughts of trying to take the easy way and steal a kiss to try and force some sort of reaction - but those tactics rarely worked favorably with Alise. "How much longer are we going to keep running circles around this, around us? Are you going to flee every time things get....get....I don't know heated? I'm not even sure what to call it but when ever it happens you want to run and all I want to do is - is show you just what is burning me from the inside out, and maybe we both have it wrong - running away can't be the answer Alise, you want me to be your friend let me be your friend - stay, please....just stay..."
Of course his message was mixed, he was insane and she had a tendency to drive him crazy in a completely different way so what could she expect? He wasn't a perfect gentlemen he wasn't able to keep his feelings so under wraps but he was hoping his honesty was granting him some sort of favorably with her even if it was just platonic acceptance and desires she claimed she craved (he was yet to be entirely convinced after all).
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International Magical Law Officer Lawyer
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It's Complicated
| Heterosexual
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Dec 30, 2016 15:43:59 GMT 8
Post by ALISE ANASTASIA REESE ABDEEN on Dec 30, 2016 15:43:59 GMT 8
Alise never understood her feelings with Nate. She never understood why she loved him so very much, why he captured her attention and never let it go. The twenty-two year old, didn't understand that everything she knew of love was with Nate. She didn't know what it was that Carter gave her. She was left bored, and while she believed that she loved him, the only thing she really loved about her relationship with him was that she wasn't worried that he was out cheating on her whenever he went out for a drink. For Alise, Nate was the norm, Nate showed her what love really was, Nate was once her everything, and she wasn't sure if she could go back from that. That was why Carter left her bored, that was why she wasn't sure what she truly had with the man.
Alise had always been rather quick on her feet when it came to stressful situations. She didn't do it on purpose but she had a flight response when it came to being stressed, especially with Nate. She couldn't blame him for grabbing her shoulders. When he turned her to face him, her eyes scanned up to his. The panic was incredibly clear in his face. He told her to stop apologizing to him for sharing her feelings.
She was going to rebut to what he had just spoke to her but his fingers were placed upon her lips and she looked at him. Maybe she wasn't ready to give them up, maybe they had been split romantically for nearly three years, but maybe there really was still something. No, there was, she just couldn't actually figure it out well enough to explain to him or herself. He had tried to explain to her that they needed to talk, they didn't need to be pushing each other away like they once did.
His eyes spoke for what he hadn't said. She could read the questions, the confusion that were his eyes. Those blue eyes, why did he have to hold on to her? Why could they never let each other go? She wasn't sure if this was good for either of them right now. ”Please... you came here, you came here...” She could hear his sigh when he closed his eyes and cast his head down towards the ground. ”Please don't leave, not again, not this time – we always run Alise, we always run when it starts to get hard and it's probably my fault... I mean it is my fault, which is why I should just let you go but it's always why I can't... I just...” His eyes opened back up and her green eyes met his blue when he raised his head. She'd seen Nate upset, she'd seen him have the moments of where they argued and she could recognize that he was scared. Alise knew Nate like she knew the back of her hand. She wasn't oblivious to what he was feeling at the moment. She could feel the grip on her shoulders grow shaky, she could feel that his nerves not just in the physical, but the tension in the air was there as well. ”This is why I couldn't handle it last time, Nate, I don't know how to handle us any more,” she said softly. Her hands moved to grip his that were gripping her shoulder. She gave them a tight squeeze to try and reassure him that she wasn't going to leave him.
”I'm not even sure what I ought to say right now...” Alise listened to the words that came from Nate's mouth. He went on about them just being friends. But there was more, and it was deeper than just being friends. He explained that every time she rushed out of his life, he was sure that it would be the last time that he would see her. The words that flowed from his mouth honestly seemed some of the truest that she'd ever heard from him. Neither of them were the same anymore. Both had grown, in their own different ways. They weren't like they were when they were sixteen, nor were they anymore like they were when they were twenty. Her hands continued to hold his hands.
”How much longer are we going to keep running circles around this, around us? Are you going to flee every time things get... get... I don't know heated? I'm not even sure what to call it but whenever it happens you want to run and all I want to do is – is show you just what is burning me from the inside out, and maybe we both have it wrong – running away can't be the answer Alise, you want me to be your friend let me be your friend – stay, please... just stay...” Alise looked at him. ”I don't want to run, I don't like running Nate. Everyone I know has told me that you're bad for me, everyone. Nate, two years ago, we ended everything that I ever knew when it comes to anything about boys. I found Carter, a man I should be happy with, but I'm not. You did this to me. You made a nearly sixteen year old girl fall in love with possibly the worst person she should have, do I regret any of that, no. Instead, I find myself wondering why I can never get that boy out of my mind, I wonder why even when that boy hurt me time after time, I still love him. Something that you don't understand, is that even when I want you to just be a friend to me, I find that you will always be more than that. Much like you, it's very hard for me to just be the friend that you need, that I need to be. I run because I'm scared Nate, and I don't like to admit that,” she picked his hands off of her shoulders and turned away from him. She wasn't good at this, not after all the years of building that stone wall to keep out the crazy emotions that Nate brought in her.
She had to think for a moment. ”I often wish that we could go back. Before everything bad happened in our lives, to the days when we used to be spontaneous, when smiles graced our faces more than the frowns. Unfortunately, that's only a wish, without a timeturner we will not be going back to those times. I came to you because as of right now you're the closest thing I have to family, I cannot talk to my parents about what's going on in my life. I cannot fathom talking to Carter about any of this. That alone makes me terrified to even continue my relationship with him at the moment. But you and I are a destructive force,” she told him. She turned back around, her green eyes once again found the blues that were his. ”To be honest, and to have a friendly conversation with right now, I have been considering, since I found out and before I got back, that I am going to end things with Carter, at least temporarily that way I can figure out me, and just what this change in my life means to me. I can't be with someone who can't accept me for me especially when I cannot accept myself for me.” she told him with a very soft voice. ”We should continue to the park though. I don't want to be alone right now.”
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